Personally, I find it difficult to share something tricky when I’m in the middle of it. Most of the time I’m a heart-tucked-just-under-my-sleeve kinda girl, so it’s often easier to wait until the heaviness of a situation has passed before I talk about it (and talk I must!). Plus, I cry easily. If you know me well you’ll probably be having a little chuckle at the truth of that. So as much as I love connecting with people and am all for raw honesty, I often prefer my privacy when I’m struggling. Partly in case my heart makes an untimely escape into the open. In other words: tears/crankiness.
In addition to that, I’m hesitant to share some of the things that are challenges in our home. For those of you who know our eldest son, I have no doubt that you would have been privy to the completely lovable side of his nature. His good days are more than just good – he has a huge capacity to be fun, loving, kind, sociable, empathetic, strong (but gentle), adventurous and affectionate. On the flip side of that, his tougher moments/days/weeks can be extremely confronting. I avoid sharing that part of our parenting experience as I’m not certain it’s fair on him, but please trust me when I say it goes well beyond a typical pre-schooler tantrum. Those moments can occupy just a small portion of time, or go on for days or even weeks. If you only see the happy go lucky side of him, I understand this is hard to comprehend. Just like it’s hard to understand that our other son won’t just “talk when he’s ready, like the other 3 or 4 year old you know who was quiet”. He has a rare motor speech disorder, which means that he is ready to talk now but his brain isn’t letting him (yet). Can you imagine how frustrating that could be?
This last week or so has been tough. I’m physically and emotionally exhausted, and I’m second guessing myself. My hubby and I are usually a stronger team than we have been for much of 2016. We’ve all been sick, too, which doesn’t help of course. I feel like I’ve been semi-sick for months, and I must be running a fairly convincing campaign for the poster girl of ‘how to not take care of yourself’. Not a good thing, obviously! Previous posts this week have let my heart peep out from under my sleeve, hinting at wanting to run away for a little while, and about really, reeeally wanting a full time job. It seems like such an appealing option until I pause for a reality check about managing appointments, therapy and a husband that works a rotating pattern of long day and night shifts.
Anyway; you get it. It’s not all roses right now.
Before I go any further, I also just want to add that this blog is not an invitation for your well meaning, but unsolicited advice. Writing is therapeutic for me, and it helps me to order my thinking. Above anything else, I most appreciate you allowing me to feel like it’s OK to share all of this. Be kind, please.
Amongst it all I’ve got some very good news. Reinforcement is arriving next week in the form of my Mum from NZ. I’ve asked her to pack her patient pants, as mine all need mending. She is going to help create a little more space for hubby and I to get on top of things, and/or rest up. Great timing as we hit up 5 appointments throughout the week (2 x Specialist Speech therapy, Migration agent, Clubfoot Review Clinic, and new Paed appointment). I know I could have gotten through the week under my own steam, but it’s really nice knowing I don’t have to. And bonus, I’m looking forward to a serving or two of her signature pumpkin, chicken pasta dish. This is a good way to let her know that’s what I’m after, isn’t it?
Before I go, I wanted to share this by Alethea Mshar – a writer, a runner, and a special needs mom. I don’t necessarily identify as a Special Needs Mum (well, sometimes I do. I always thought it would be so clear cut…hmm…) and I don’t know that I necessarily feel invisible (at least not all of the time), but this article speaks directly to my past few weeks.
So the next big decision: another tea, or time for the wine?
You’re welcome to weigh in with your advice on that one…